the mailroom http://mailroom.posterous.com where I write the letters posterous.com Fri, 04 May 2012 07:50:00 -0700 Dear Spanx, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-spanx http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-spanx

Here we are, you and I, spending the work day together thanks to my lack of clean laundry (read: underwear) and generally poor adult life skills. I thought this was going to suck, but I must admit, I'm sitting up a little taller today.

You've brought on some inner conflict, though: the satisfaction of losing 5 pounds the hard way vs. eating chocolate-chip mint ice cream in serious control-top foundation garments. It's a tough one. As for today, I've made my choice.

Sucking in,

 

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Wed, 25 Apr 2012 12:08:17 -0700 Dear Indian Buffet, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-indian-buffet http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-indian-buffet It's a good thing I'm alone in my little corner of the office this afternoon; from the music my gut is making, It's pretty clear I ate a sitar by mistake, and possibly Ravi Shankar, too. 


Namaste,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 17 Apr 2012 08:09:30 -0700 Dear Tooth Fairy, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tooth-fairy http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tooth-fairy That was a close one. 
To your credit, the whole tooth-losing was kind of a wild experience, with friends over for spaghetti and general joyful chaos. Kind of forgettable, actually, with the welcome and surprising lack of moaning, panicking, or other theatrics we've come to expect from previous tooth losses. So I can see how tooth-collection and cash exchange might have slipped your mind as friends went home, kids went to bed, and the night was winding quietly down.

But I have to tell you, lying upstairs in bed this morning, listening to the girls chatter through the baby monitor, I had a serious moment of panic for you. Specifically, when Birdy said, "She took my tooth, but there's nothing here.." and little Ophelia said, baffled, "issa possa beedare!"  I thought you were a goner, Tooth Fairy. All through the morning getting ready for school, through all of the questions I couldn't answer. Like why take the tooth and not leave the money?* I thought you'd mangled a little kid's faith. I thought Santa was next. 

You, though. You with the rolled-up five dollar bill tied with a ribbon (just like the ribbon from the Easter basket--curious!), left sitting on the front steps. You must have dropped it on your way in, you scattered, exhausted little fairy, you. We discovered your tiny, expensive Hail Mary pass on our way out the door this morning. 

You got lucky this time, TF. And in the future, I suggest you start carrying smaller bills. 

See you in a few weeks (that front incisor is hanging by a thread),

Catt

P.S. Seriously, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TOOTH? Let's hope for both our sakes that one of the under-bed dust creatures was all like, "WTF? Put this with the Barbie shoes, Hank." 

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Sat, 14 Apr 2012 07:21:12 -0700 Dear Andy, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-andy http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-andy I spilled more than a little bit of Garam Masala in (and down the
backside of) the spice drawer. Which means opening the Tupperware
drawer below it is like taking a spicy little trip to India-- that's
how I'd like for us to approach this, anyway.

Love,

Catt

Sent from my iPhone

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:04:40 -0700 Dear Tattoo and Piercing Shop Staff, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tattoo-and-piercing-shop-staff http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tattoo-and-piercing-shop-staff Well. If I ever get an expensive itch to open a business, LOOK OUT, because I'm going to open a reasonably not-dickish tattoo and piercing shop, and give you a run for your smug, condescending money. 

I don't have a tattoo of an ironic eagle stretching its wings across my forehead, true, but that doesn't mean I don't have a need for a small piece of tasteful face jewelry. In fact, I'd even PAY for it, instead of trying to trade you a broken-down turntable for a pair of dinner plate-sized ear-hole stretchers. Imagine! Real commerce, not just that skinny, stinky guy skulking around the front smoking cigarettes and glaring at people! 

I may not look cool enough for you to speak kindly to me, or even make eye contact. And I won't throw a fit when you dismiss me to "just try another shop," because believe me, YES. But here's what you're missing: I had my day, like you. And then I had the balls to grow up, take care of my shit and be somebody's mom. TWICE. And that is more bad-ass than you even know. 

Good luck with the eagle,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Mon, 09 Apr 2012 22:08:00 -0700 Dear Aveda Store, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-aveda-store http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-aveda-store

As I left today with my pricey new pot of herby-crisp scented hair
paste, I realized: I think it's possible that I went to massage school
just for the smells.

Namaste,

Catt

Sent from my iPhone

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Mon, 02 Apr 2012 08:55:00 -0700 Dear Fashion Designers, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-fashion-designers http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-fashion-designers

Here's the thing. There are a lot of us out there who have spent years of our lives allowing other humans to grow inside of our organs, watching our bellies get comically distended and our boobs transform into giant fleshy watermelons. And then, we go to great pains to remove fully formed people from our midsections, either by surgery or by a natural purging process that sometimes involves pooping on a table, sometimes not. 

Go ahead, take your time. I'll let that sink in for a minute.

Then, over the course of a year or so, our host-bodies naturally deflate. If we're blessed with good genes and we work hard, they shrink a bit; but regardless, from about the boobs to the knees, the deflation remains evident, permanently. Unless we are harboring these humans during our very, very early and elastic adulthood, the whole person-growing process is typically what turns a waist into a belly, softens the lines, takes the concave to convex. It's not good or bad or cute or not-cute, it just is.

And these are the bodies that spend the time trying to find something-- anything-- that can make some visual sense on the kind of shape that makes humans. We're still beautiful, still relevant. We're not ready to be put out to the mom-jeans fashion pasture, not by a long shot. And I think I speak for all of us when I say there's an unfortunate disconnect between what you're putting out and what we're putting on.

I invite you to do a little research on Google and get back to me.  I hope this new insight helps guide your future designs, helps you keep the cinchy-waisted garments confined to the Juniors' rack, and for the love of all that is holy, keeps your wild, horizontal-black-and-white-stripes trending tendencies in check. 

 

From all of us,

 

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Sun, 01 Apr 2012 17:29:00 -0700 Dear girls, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-girls http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-girls

This house is deliciously, terribly empty without you in it. I'll be so beyond ready to see your soft little selves on Saturday; I'll thoroughy enjoy taking the rest of the week to work up to that point.

 

Love you,

 

Mama

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Sat, 31 Mar 2012 09:34:45 -0700 Dear Nashville Biscuit House, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-nashville-biscuit-house http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-nashville-biscuit-house This morning, I learned that you serve a meat-free gravy option to top
those heavenly, fluffy biscuits; I also learned a shortcut down 14th.
Here's to bottomless coffee and the giant ass in my future.

Salut!

Catt

Sent from my iPhone

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 13 Mar 2012 13:11:55 -0700 Dear 4:25 a.m., http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-425-am http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-425-am I hate when we meet like this, colliding as I stumble downstairs, bleary eyed, into an unrelenting verbal assault from a toddler about a missing stuffed dog, a drink of milk, or a bunched-up sock, something, anything, who knows, really? All I care about is putting my clumsy, exhausted hands on the pacifier, lost somewhere in the dark abyss of the floor. I curse you. I wish we'd go our separate ways in the most immediate sense, me back to my warm bed and you to wander and seep about the house in the cool dark, unseen.

4:25 a.m., you don't deserve that kind of treatment.


You are adventure, early flights out, coffee made before dawn, open-ended road trips with premeditated mix tapes, backing out of the driveway like a thief while everyone else sleeps. You are the timestamp of gratitude for rolling over in the murky dark and finding another warm, soft body with hours to spare before shower and work. You are a time of nursing babies in the not-quite middle of the night, of anxious, productive, creative insomnia; the time for eurekas and finishing touches, for epiphanies, for signs. You are the time of realizing with giddy horror that the sun is about to come up on the beer in your hand and you need to go home, just before the birds start chirping and the guilt of tomorrow begins.

I'll try to be kinder next time, if you will. 

Until we meet again,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 06 Mar 2012 14:17:00 -0800 Dear People Who Chew Gum While Talking, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-people-who-chew-gum-while-talking http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-people-who-chew-gum-while-talking

Gross. Seriously. 

 

Mind your manners, 

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 28 Feb 2012 06:38:00 -0800 Dear Tagged Facebook Photo, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tagged-facebook-photo http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tagged-facebook-photo

Whoa.

What the holy hell am I doing, and how old is this? How old were WE? Why am I standing like that? Is THAT my famous self-haircut? Was it better-looking in person? Has my torso always been so boxy? Why does my friend look like an underage stripper? Is that her mom's house? Am I even wearing a bra? Where the hell were we going and who was letting us?  Is my shirt tucked into my fancy going-out pants?

And why so many likes, FB friends? Hasn't everyone had enough? Are you fucking with me?

Officially past-blasted,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:53:42 -0800 Dear Target dressing room, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-target-dressing-room http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-target-dressing-room Sheesh, that was cruel and unnecessary. Your one-two punch mirror positioning and the harsh fluorescent lights are a nasty force for my dimpled ass to reckon with. Would it kill you to make some effort at being complimentary? After all, we're naked and vulnerable in there-- a little gentleness would go a long way. 

Think about it,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:45:00 -0800 Dear Jack Carlson, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-jack-carlson http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-jack-carlson

I was thinking about Valentine's Day and how that plays out in elementary school, now that I have a Kindergartener in my life, and the first thing that came to mind was you. You with your skinny arms and close-shaved hair and dirty neck and weird, gray-green clothes. I'd go through periods-- weeks, even!-- of feeling  secretly heartbroken and sorry for you, and then you'd do something mean, and I'd stop, reverse my position, rally with the others around the girl you'd pushed off the slide.

I remember nobody wanting to give you a valentine-- did you know that? You must have known something, an inkling, how could you not? Little kids can be such shits, and so unskilled at hiding it.  My my mom made me write your name on a "Be Mine" from the Garfield collection; we all carried our baskets around and dropped cards into the little boxes on each other's desks. I came to yours and jammed the card in it, hoping nobody would see, and also hoping you'd find more than just my name in your box.

I hope you've had a lot of really, really great Valentine's Days since then. And I hope you've stopped eating your boogers.

Love,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:52:06 -0800 Dear Walgreens across the street, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-walgreens-across-the-street http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-walgreens-across-the-street At this moment, I'm feeling a bit like an 85 year-old woman, having finally realized that I don't leave the office because I need things from you; you have become my escape, my change of scenery. Not the famous park down the road, not the shops on West End, not even the Greek place across the way with the awesome hummus. Over and over again, I choose you, the place for reading glasses, orthotic inserts, Vapo-rub and adult undergarments. You are my regular mid-day hangout. 

And today, during my 20 minutes of aimless wandering and snack-choosing, I saw two co-workers on their own post-lunch missions. If this were Junior High (and thank God it isn't), you would be the Super-7 on East Main, less than a block from our daily grind and full of freedom, promise, and snacks. 

Thanks for being there,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Fri, 03 Feb 2012 07:03:00 -0800 Dear Tracy Chapman's 1988 "Fast Car" http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tracy-chapmans-1988-fast-car http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tracy-chapmans-1988-fast-car

Please, leave me alone. It's been at least a month, (maybe more?) of you, every single morning. Is there something in my house, a trigger?  Is there a totally coincidental lyric fragment buried in the copy on my shampoo bottle, on my cereal box, my calendar?  If I find it, should I destroy it? Read it outloud to re-context it? Black it out with a marker? Should I play the song until it's neutralized? Sing it out in my quiet office to release it, release my own mind?

What will it take for you let me be?

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:22:32 -0800 Dear Kindergartener, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-kindergartener http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-kindergartener

Dear Kindergartener,

Please stop doing the following: 

  1. Leaning on things with your face
  2. Putting your mouth on public objects, not limited to church seats, car door handles and grocery carts
  3. Walking everywhere with the soles of your boots flung out to the side, like a duck
  4. Acting like a surly adolescent
  5. Requiring my presence at all times, even in the bathroom (no matter if it is you or I on the commode)
  6. Running around the house like a baby deer (which is to say loose and flailing) on 4 Red Bulls (which is to say manic)
  7. Suffering from Bieber Fever; if not that, then consider expanding your fever beyond that one ridiculous earworm
  8. Staring blankly, slack-jawed when asked a yes/no question
  9. Refusing to dress appropriately for the weather
  10. Talking, for five precious minutes
  11. Falling out of your chair with no warning (although it's funny when it doesn't end in injury)
  12. Shouting complicated questions from the far corners of the house-- please, child, find me in the kitchen
  13. Taking me to the very outer edges of love and back, every single day, just to prove you're mine

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Fri, 06 Jan 2012 06:49:00 -0800 Dear Tumblr, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tumblr http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-tumblr

Quit flirting with me. 

 

Wink-wink,

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:31:54 -0800 Dear neighborhood shop owners, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-neighborhood-shop-owners http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-neighborhood-shop-owners As a dedicated supporter of your cute little businesses, nestled in the weird and wonderful bosom of our "eclectic" and "hip" neighborhood, I would like to tell you that I am trying. I don't shop with you because you have great prices (you don't) or because you have a wide selection (nope) or even because you are nice (many of you are, but in one guy's case, you are decidedly not). But we're neighbors. I've invested in this little 10 square-block plot of slum-turned-gem, and I would very much like, when possible, to keep my money in the general vicinity of the place where I hang one of your fancy, handmade felted hats. 

I would like to not-so-gently remind you that the very LIFE of your business depends on me, your neighbor, popping into your amusing shop and perusing your "carefully chosen" merchandise (which, I would like to make clear, is often readily available on Amazon.com).   You are not lawyers. You are not architects. You are not self-employed accountants or artists working odd, unannounced hours in a small rented shopfront with the door locked, just to get some peace. 

You. Are. Retail. 

If you have shop hours posted, you have made a not-uncertain deal with us, your customers and neighbors.  And when we make two separate attempts to come in and give you our hard-earned cash in the smack-middle of your posted business hours and you are closed, you drive us into the arms of the internet, or Target, or the other guy's hip crap store a few blocks away. And when we get to that other guy's hip crap store, and there is a goddamned sign on the door that says "gone to lunch, back later," we will hit the fucking roof, and we might loudly grumble something about how maybe you should just sell shit on ebay if you want to go out for lunch whenever you please, knowing how many times we eat lunch at our own desks when our jobs require it, so we can earn the money to pay for the stuff you've got behind that locked door, which it is your most basic job to keep open when you goddamned say you will. 

I want you to succeed, boys. I do. But I will not spend another lunch hour chasing you down to hand you my money. 

Best of luck to you, 

Catt

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:30:00 -0800 Dear Clara Bird, http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-clara-bird http://mailroom.posterous.com/dear-clara-bird

When you asked me to come inside with you to make some toast at 11:45, I didn't think twice about it; we made two pieces with butter and jelly and ate it together around the bonfire in the backyard. You were thrilled to be in charge of our countdown, and at the end when the grownups all hugged and clinked glasses and called that a midnight toast, you quietly blushed and clinked yours, too. I can't wait to spend 2012 with you, big kid. 

Love,

Mama

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1016236/181724_1776996537262_1009811516_2153195_4525323_n.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SsU1WsINT2h bcatts bcatts